sometimes I get so angry I start shaking. this anger will go no where, and it will do nothing but die inside me and become tar that I must carry, reigniting back up into my throat like acid reflex. I have no power over the world, thus I have no control over what happens to me. I dream of doing amazing things knowing it will never happen. Karma isn’t enough, and I don’t care if I’m not seeing a hidden pain or struggle, I want them writhing in pain from the consequences they’d sown and I wanna see it.
out of town. hopefully I don't get punched in the face by a random white man while walking down the street (there's been cases like that recently, and, yk, just noticing the patterns). Idk hiw to make or desgin a more efficient and compact blog page, so this setup will have to do for now. my eye is rejecting I think. there's a red ring forming around my iris, and I think that may be along the scar of my transplant. I'm not expecting good news from the doctor. also I think my rp partner is slowly distancing myself from me so they can ghost me. dammit. but I bought some books last night and a couple magazines for me to read. I've just discovered my love for articles. I read yesterday's paper cause they were handing them out on the plane for for, and discovered a story I wouldn't have known had I not opened the pages. I'm just an ape on this spinning planet; I think I wanna move out of my house.
My mom wants me to give up Tidbit (my new puppy). She says taking responsibility for a puppy is a lot of work — I have to walk far distances to twice a day to keep her healthy, train her, keep her in my room, give her attention. It’s the bare minimum and that’s the saddest part, cause I don’t think I’m capable of even her giving that. Though I so badly want to prove my mom wrong, that I can do all that, I know who I am and I know I can’t. I can’t even walk from school to home by myself, I get all scared and nervous and sweaty. How would I be able to do that twice a day, twice as long the walk? I hate my mom, cause she always brings realism to my dreams and am reminded of who I am, which is an inept, depressed, unhealthy, anxious and co-dependent retard who can’t even walk home without getting sweaty and ugly-red from anxiety. If I had the choice before me to be neurotypical, I would take it. I wish I were as carefree and beautiful as the birds above me are. But I’m stuck in this body. Forever pocked with acne scars, striped with ugly stretch marks, back pains, skin that doesn’t flush beautifully when red and yellow teeth that stands out against my colourless complexion. I’m ugly. A lead weight upon the heals of the ones I love, and a disappointment to those whom've made the mistake of depending on me. I could always change for the better, but knowing me, better is always temporary. I always return to my bed by the end of the day. I’m such a huge disappointment. My mom knows it, she knows that I know it. I love Tidbit. I love her so much, but I know I am not good for her.
living with her is killing me. if I don't put this anger into something, it may just eat me bit by bit until I become nothing. her emotions run the house, nothing is right unless we do it her way, she wants so much emotional reassurance yet turns her chikdren away. I fucking hate her. if I had the means and a place to go, I'd be out of this house. she's mean, she's annoying, she's dismissive, she blames everyone but herself and wants everyone to take care of her while also giving nothing back. I hate her. IHATEHERIHATEHERIHATEHER. I just wanna die because I know I won't be able to change her, thus I won't be getting the closure or apology that I want/need, and she won't be feeling the weight of her shitty parenting like I do in my day-to-day life. she disgusts me. she annoys me. I hate her.
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